A Roll Coaster Year

It is the end of December again. It's that time of the year when you are supposed to revisit the previous year and make plans for the next one.

For me, it was a weird year, with all its problems, stress, pain, tears and losses. It felt as I've been on a roll coaster ride for a whole year, and I don't even like roll coasters!
Looking back to how good this year started, I would have never imagined it to be like that. Sure I didn't expect a super year with all my wishes coming true and everything going perfectly, but I didn't imagine to have that much craziness, changes and mixed feelings in it.
I spent the past week trying to remember what was good over the past year and I ended up with the birth of my niece Lama, attending TEDx Youth event, Allah giving me a gift that I kept praying for during the past four years alhamdulillah, few outings with my friends, finding my Thaeer and enjoying the warmth of my family for another year. I know these are few short moments, but I couldn't be more grateful for having them alhamdulillah. I wouldn't have survived this year without them, simply these were what kept me standing over this year.

I believe that Allah gives us hardships to teach us lessons and complete what is missing within us, and Allah keeps repeating the same hardship in different forms till we successfully accomplish its goal. My year's theme was all about testing myself and my circles on many levels and learning how to ask for help. I don't know my test results yet but I know they were eye-openers for me. And yeah, I am 26 years old and don't know how to ask for help when I need it the most! I am still in "accepting the concept" phase, and hopefully this year I will learn how to do it properly.

Thanks to Allah for answering my pray after all these years and for blessing us with our precious Lama, the source of joy in our family. Thanks for everyone who had been there for me with/without knowing that he is actually helping me.
I know 2015 won't be easier, but at least now I know what I need to work on during this year. From now on, I am keeping only what/who worth to be kept and I am going to learn how to say "I need your help" much more.

Wish you all a blessed and peaceful new year!

When you know

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.

Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.

When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go

Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin, in your bones and the hollow of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.

When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close

Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love surround you like the sky 'round the moon.

This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.

Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.

When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go

Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.

Haaa...

And you know that you know.

ليه ؟

في مسلسل حكايات بنات، كان في مشهد بين أحلام (بطلة المسلسل) و عاصم (حبيبها). ببساطة هو جاله سفر مفاجئ لفترة طويلة فقالها انها هي أول شخص يقوله. ردها بقي كان عبقري بالنسبة لي: "ليه؟ ليه حسيت إني لازم أبقي أول واحدة؟ ابقي لك ايه؟"

لما حد يحكي معاك أو يقولك علي مشكلة عنده او خبر فرحه او حتي خبر عادي أو اختار يشاركك لحظة في حياته، و لما انت تبقي عايز حد يشاركك أي لحظة في حياتك، افتكر أول حد بييجي علي بالك لحظتها سواء الشخص ده كان معاك أو لأ، واسأل نفسك السؤال ده: "لـيه".

ليه اختارك انت؟ ليه فكر يشاركك انت اللحظة دي؟ و ليه ممكن ميختاركش انت؟ 

ليه انت اختارته؟ ليه هو أول حد خطر علي بالك في لحظة ما؟

سؤال صغير بس اجابته هتخليك تشوف علاقات مختلفة في دائرتك. ناس اتعودت انهم موجودين عشان بس هم كانوا دايما موجودين، و ناس محدش منهم كان في حساباتك.

لو انت زي حالاتي عندك حبة دوائر للناس اللي حواليك، يبقي اتعود دائما تسأل نفسك السؤال ده: "لـيه".

Me and Cancer

This post may be a little depressing, so be careful if you will continue.

Who knows me, from a close distance, knows that I get easily attached to movies that have cancer in it. I tried to deny it for a while, but I guess it is true. I have unresolved issues with tumors (and cancer specifically).

Me and cancer have unpleasant memories together. I witnessed few stories that had cancer in it. And as I have a really good memory, I remember that whole journey, all from its start and being healthy to its end and the walk to the graveyard.
I was about 8 or 9 years old when my grandmother got it, yet I remember everyday of her long journey. I haven't met my uncle in my life, yet I remember my dad's talks about his illness.

Based on my family history, I know I have a crape gene that is waiting to go nuts and produce a couple of tumors for me. Yeah, I know it is not all about genetics, but having that gene increases its chances to happen.
Every time I hear about a new cancer patient, I instantly unintentionally see myself in his spot and going through the journey till its end.

I never never never cared about my weight in my whole life, but one of the reasons I panicked about my late weight loss issue is that cancer was the first reason that popped in my head.

I HATE cancer, I HATE tumors, I really do. My only hope is that if I ever got it, I wish I will have the people I love around me, just to help me when it kicks hard.

For More Information, take a look at this: http://cancer.stanford.edu/information/geneticsAndCancer/genesCause.html

حبة هدوء

ساعات بتبقي في مكان حلو اوي

اضاءته مريحة لعينك اوي

و انت مبسوط فيه اوي

و فجاة تلاقي نفسك في مكان ضلمة

مش قادر تشوف فيه حاجة

حقك تخاف

حقك تقلق

حقك تتخنق و نفسك يبقي اسرع

حقك تخبط حواليك عشان تشوف معالم المكان

بس اللي انت متعرفوش

انك لو استنيت بس لدقائق .. بس دقائق

لو هديت

لو اخدت نفسك بعمق و ببطء

هتلاقي عينك رجعت تشوف تاني

اه مش بنفس الوضوح

اه مش بنفس الراحة

بس هترجع تشوف طريقك

بس هترجع تعرف انت فين و رايح فين

كل المطلوب هو حبة هدوء و نفس عميييق

اسفة مش هتنازل عن أحلامي

كل واحد مننا عنده احلام كثير .. منها احلام تحقيقها معتمدة عليه هو بس و منها احلام معتمدة علي ناس معاه.

انا بقي حياتي نصها احلام .. منها اللي بحاول احققه و منها اللي عاملة نفسي ناسياه و منها اللي عارفة انه هيفضل حلم عشان متعلق بناس مش موجودين دلوقتي.

من سنة تقريبا كنت بدات افقد الأمل في كام حلم كده. بدات أقول مش مهم يتحققوا و محدش بيموت لما ميحققش حلمه. المهم ان الواحد عايش كويس و مبسوط بحياته كده و خلاص. فقررت اني أنساها.

خلال السنة دي بقي شفت من القصص و الحواديت اللي تخليني أٌقول اني كنت غلط. ربنا خلاني أعرف قصص ناس عايشة معانا أو كانت عايشة معانا. ربنا خلاني أقابل ناس اثبتوا لي ان سعادتي في احلامي اللي كنت قررت انساها.

و قابلت ناس قالوا دي احلام و محدش بيعيش علي الأحلام، خليكي واقعية و ارضي باللي في ايدك و انسي احلامك. ما محدش ضامن بكرة فيه ايه و شوفي كام واحد قبلك حاولوا و فشلوا و ندموا انهم حاولوا. ركزي علي اللي في ايدك دلوقتي و بس.

و بناءا علي كل ده، فأنا قررت اني مش هتنازل عن أحلامي عشان غيري شايفها كماليات و ينفع نعيش من غيرها. صحيح غيري عايش من غير أحلامه و حياته ماشية بس أنا مش غيري. أنا سعادتي في أحلامي و هفضل أدور عليها و أحاول أحققها مهما أتاخرت.

حلمك جزء من قلبك و عقلك .. لو تعرف تعيش من غير قلب و عقل يبقي ممكن تعرف تعيش من غير حلمك. صحيح ان حلمك ممكن تحقيقه يتأخر او تتعب و انت بتحاول تلاقيه و تحققه. بس الأكيد ان طالما انت متأكد ان سعادتك في حلمك، مش هتعرف تبقي سعيد من غيره.

خليك ورا حلمك لحد ما يتحقق مهما اتأخر .. حياتك مش واقفة من غيره بس عمرها ما هتكمل غير به. خليك في طريقك و ارضي بحياتك و اللي ربنا رزقك به في حياتك و املا حياتك بانجازات كثير تسعدك لحد ما حلمك يتحقق بس اوعي في يوم تسيب حلمك و تمشي.

Cut the crap

* Cambridge Dictionary: "cut the crap" is a rude way of telling someone to stop saying things that are not true or not important

For the past few weeks, I have been searching for the perfect action to express those weeks; and today I found it.
In dictionary, "cut the crap" means stop talking nonsense . For me, it is the answer to each single situation I heard about or happened to me in these few weeks.
I used to think the answer would be "fighting yourself" and that you are supposed to find the point where you can balance your mind and heart, and how you should create peace among both. But let's be honest here and "cut the crap".
Finding balance in your life between any thing is mandatory, but in order to do this, you have to be frank with yourself and simply say the truth.

"I want this. Naa, I want that. You know what, this one is much better. Mmmm, or may be I really want that one over there." STOP it, no one is getting everything he wants in this life. Pick one, get along with it and cut the crap!

"That person keeps annoying me, over and over, and he always gets on my nerves." Flash news for you, you are the one who is allowing him to annoy you. Talk to him, show him where his limits are and cut the crap!

"I don't like my job anymore, I feel useless in it. It is the worst job ever, and I have no future in it." Three options for you. Quit and find a new job that you may like. Find what is wrong with your current job and fix it. Adaptation isn't always a bad option. Stop complaining, start working and cut the crap!

"I am in love with this person, but I may like that person more. Shouldn't I wait and see if I will meet my perfect one?!" One word for you, "decision". If you can't take the decision to be with this/that person, it means that deep down, you know this/that person is not the one for you. Stop questioning, take the decision or hit the skip button, move on and cut the crap!

"My friend/partner has changed, and I don't like it. I want the old one back!" You know what, we all change, including yourself. Talk to him, make it or break and cut the crap!

Not being teenagers anymore means we have our own list of what is accepted and what is not. We draw the limits were others interfere with our lives, and who have the authority to do it anyway. We are allowed to make wrong decisions or take the wrong turn from time to time. It won't be the end of the world as we know it.
All the time, we know what we are searching for, we know what we need. We just don't have the guts to say it out loud.

I am a Libra. I believe it is always possible to find the balanced point where you can have the best out of the most contradicted worlds. What I learned in these past weeks is that there is a huge difference between finding that balanced point and allowing yourself to live in the grey in-between area between these worlds.

Bottom line, no matter what you face, don't accept living in the grey area. Take decision and "cut the crap".

Dear *****

Dear *****,

We are few days away from the start of a new year .. new year in our history.
I am sure you are wondering now .. why are you reading this?? and even why am I writing this?

The answer is too simple.
You are reading this because you always read my writings. You are addicted to them even if you didn't admit this. I don't know if this is another way of keeping your eyes on me all the time or you really like them. Know what ... I don't mind either of them as long as it brings you closer to me.

I am writing this to tell you my little secret. Yes, that secret that you always asked me about and I always teased you "you will know when its time comes".

Well ... It is its time now, so listen carefully.

"Why are you smiling all the time?", you always asked me. "It is because I look at you." Here it is, the answer you have been searching for. The truth is, I don't smile all the time, I only smile when you are around.
At first, I thought I was going out of my mind, but later I realized it. I smile because, around you is the only place I feel safe and happy. It is the truth.

I lived my life thinking that I am fine, happy and everything is perfect. It is only when I met you that I realized I was totally wrong. I wasn't fine, happy and everything wasn't even good.
I am fine, only when I am around you. I am happy, only when you say my name. Everything is more than perfect, only when I hear your laughter.

With the end of this year, I am only grateful for meeting you and falling in love with you. Thank you for the happiness you brought to my life.
I hope I am good for you as half as you are for me.
I hope I am your shelter as you are for me.
I hope I could draw smile on your face as you draw it on mine.

Your lovely wedded wife
..............

P.S. I love you.

________________________________________________________________________
Note 1:
I am not married yet, and not even engaged. Still, I hope I get married to the man who deserves it :)

________________________________________________________________________
Note 2:
This post ,including Note 1, was written on Monday, November 5, 2012.
I have no idea why I wrote it then, and I have no idea why I am publishing it now.

________________________________________________________________________
Note 3:
Today is Thursday, February 6, 2014. It is over a year now since I wrote this post and I still hope for the same thing. I hope I get married to the man who deserves each word of this.

تفاحة أدم

خلق ربنا سيدنا أدم -عليه السلام- و جعله يعيش في الجنة بكل ما فيها من متع، لكن خلق له أيضا في الجنة تفاحة واحدة و منعه من اكلها و الا سيخرج من الجنة و نعمها. تفاحة واحدة مقابل كل نعم الجنة!

كلنا تعلمنا قصة سيدنا أدم و التفاحة، و قصة خروجه من الجنة بسببها منذ طفولتنا. لسبب ما أفكر بهذه القصة من فترة. من يعلم كم من جنة طردت منها بسبب تفاحة؟ كم من خطأ صغير كان سبب في ضياع خير كبير؟ كم من مرة حاولت التحايل علي أمر عدم الاقتراب من التفاحة؟ انا لن أكل التفاحة و لكني فقط انظر اليها او اشم رائحتها.

أتناسي دائما أن الأمر واضح و النتيجة واحدة. الأمر واضح بعدم الاقتراب من التفاحة. و النتيجة واحدة و هي الطرد من الجنة.

و لكن تظل دائما حقيقة واحدة، لا شيئ خُلق هباءا و لا شيئ يحدث هباءا، كل أمر يتم بمشيئة الله فقط. لقد خلق الله -سبحانه و تعالي- أدم و خلق التفاحة. خلقها و هو يعلم أن سيدنا أدم سيأكل منها و سيطرد من الجنة و سينزل إلي الأرض بكل ما فيها منح و محن. و طرده من الجنة و هو يعلم أنه سوف يعود اليها بعد حين، بعد أن يكون تعلم الطاعة و تعلم من أخطاؤه.

ابحث عن التفاحة في حياتك الماضية .. ابحث عنها لتعرفها و حاول الا تقربها المرة القادمة. عساك تلحق بجنة في يوم ما!