Three years age, one of my best best friends said about me that I am "Super Control". I remember that I laughed and though that he is just over-reacting as I thought I don't have that much control.
Three years later, I have to admit, He is totally right.
Before you jump to any conclusions about me, finish this till the end first.
I was never that tough girl that cares to no one but herself (and I am not even like that now). Actually anyone could push me to cry anywhere anytime he wants, yeaa believe it. I was the first one to cry if anyone is shouting even if he is not shouting at me.
Then with time, I met more people. I have been in different situations. All these things made me realize the truth, I make my own decision. It is my right to be happy and I am the only one responsible for making me happy or sad.
The way I was raised created the feeling with this right in me but maybe I was too afraid to use when I was a little girl. Dealing with different people, being out there alone pushed me to try to make my decision for once and use this right as a change, and thanks to Allah it was the right decision to take.
Since this moment and I am developing my protecting system (yea an actual system with all its inputs and its output :D), it is a simple system that keeps me away from hurt or pain. It tells me when to stop, when to object, when to keep silent, when to go forward happily and when to let myself live in pain when it is worthy.
Its basic step is "don't feel hurt unless it is for someone who worth your pain. Don't cry over something that doesn't worth one tear from your eyes. Your tears and pain are more precious than wasting them over something that doesn't deserve them".
This system know exactly when to force my heart to shut up. I hear what my heart and my feelings say in everything until it starts doing something wrong, and here is when the system is activated and starts doing its job.
I know this sound too wordy and can't be done in real life, but it can be done, believe me for this. I had troubles to do that at the start but eventually I found my way through. I convinced myself that the system is the one who does all these things not me. I can be sad or not in the mood and the system will be the one who stops the pain and the tears (seems schizophrenic right, well maybe).
I know that maybe I lost things along the road, but at least I know how to control my pain and how to keep it away from affecting my work. Although I had sooooo many problems in my life but I learned how to make them affect me the least while I had the chance to learn from each one of them. SO, maybe I lost one thing or two, but I won a hundred in return.
Don’t think I am tough or saving my heart in a box because I am not. I just know when to hear its sound and when to not. I know when to feel pain and when to not. I stayed for two days in bed not bearing to get up because of pain but it was for something that worth it.
It is six years now since I started building this system, and it seems too long. When I look back to these years, I know it wasn’t for nothing and it is totally worthy.
